It has been almost a year since the last time I wrote anything....July 1, 2009. Man, how life can change in such a short time.
Back then I wrote "The question in my life became, how does one summon up the strength to carry on when you feel like you have nothing left to give. But continually I found a way to trust in the universe and that the path it was taking me on was for reasons I was yet to know or to discover. But with time, I just decided to trust. I didn't understand fully why my life went so upside down or want to trust that it was all for reasons that was yet unknown to me."
And there it is. Where I am today is BECAUSE I trusted for reasons yet unknown to me. I decided to let life lead me in whatever direction that it would. Away from something very damaging and into the arms of something I didn't think I could have. It really gave me what I needed. In the form of the best mirror I have ever known. Things have been hard...really really hard...at times. I still boil over for reasons that sometimes I don't even know or understand or get. I am so far from perfect and I am always learning. Today I had a huge revelation that I think is going to change things for me again.
As father's day once again approaches, I have been thinking about my father. I had a chance to chat with one of my besties on Saturday and I have to just say DANG do I re-hash out that relationship with him over and over again in my life or what? He passed away in 2000 and here were are in 2010 and it is still affecting me. Our family of origin plays so much more into our lives than we can fully realize.
I wanted so much to have a relationship with him. Any relationship with him. And then he died and I don't get to have a remedy to all that ailed us as father and daughter. He was was not fully there mentally due to his own parenting issues (really bad stuff..that I can't even imagine) and then, one day, he was gone. I guess I always believed in some way that one day I would get to resolve the issues we had. When he passed away, we were actually making progress. And then, with one phone call, the progress stopped forever. And I didn't really do all that much to deal with it. I actually have never said that aloud. I didn't even go to his grave until last year...during a time that I really needed some relief. I woke up one morning in 09 and decided that was the day that I would go. So I went. 9 years had passed and there I was in my car on my way to Riverside. And I had a girlfriend on my cell with me on Yahoo who was there with me although I went alone. I tried to leave the anger there at his headstone and I really thought I did it. Perhaps I didn't do as much as I thought. Today, I had a huge revelation that I really think is going to take me farther. With the man in my past. And the man in my present. And the relationships in many areas in my life. I don't know what to make of it or what it will become really. But I knew there was more to some things I was feeling...and I decided to dig. And keep digging down to the roots..and I got all the way down with the help of both besties....and here I stand at the bottom of the tree...at the root....and now it is up to me to figure out what to do with that.
As for the man in my past...I can't fix what ails him. I somehow still want to. I also didn't get the why. Until today. Weird how things are so tied to other things and we don't even know it. Am I so arrogant that I think that with a conversation or something that I say, that I can cure all of the things from his past? Things that have absolutely nothing to do with me? Sure there are some things that have to do with me...but mostly, nope...not me. I realized that I am reliving that relationship over and over again....with this man who I no longer have a life with. I joked that he lives in my storage unit. Pieces of my previous life are still in there. So one of my besties is going to go there with me so that I can start to sort through all of that and be rid of some of the things in there...some things I will sell...some things I will keep. I have been so upset about my 'things' that I didn't even realize what they were representing to me. I still don't quite know what this stuff represents to me because really, for a year and 4 months, I have had very little of my 'things' and did just fine without them. Now I have a place for my things, and want to bring them in, and I realized...do I really want to do that? What is wrong with how things are right now? All of these questions and not many answers as of yet seeing that this all came to head today.
But thanks to my 2 very amazing girlfriends who listen to me as I sift through all of this stuff...and the man in my life...who continually puts up with my BS as I tread through these waters to a better life....I am getting closer to my real peace every day. And I am so thankful.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Shiney.....
It has been a long time since I have really written anything but tonight I feel inspired. On the way home, I looked up in the sky and saw a clear almost black sky...and beheld the beautiful white moon shining pure light. What a beautiful night. I know the stars are out there but they were not visible at all....the bright light of the moon outshone them. It was breathtaking. And somehow, in seeing that, it made me realize something. Sometimes, things about you shine so brightly, that all of the rest of the small nicks and imperfections in you are not visible as long as you let your bright light shine. For a long time, I was dull and lackluster. I let the bright light within me become faded and forgot what really made me who I am from the inside out. I finally feel shiny again...and it makes me overwhelmed to think of how dull my light had really become and why. I also know that I will never allow that to happen to me again. I have love, adoration and gifts to give. And although I didn't believe or know how I would ever be able to give them again, somehow I have found my way back into truly living once again.
I must say that it is interesting how life sometimes forces you to look at the journey and not the final destination. What is the destination really? These last 6 months, although brutal at times, have really forced me to look at the journey without knowing the destination at all. Still don't. I really didn't know where the path was leading....I just knew in me, even on my most difficult days, that there were reasons for it all and I just had to trust in the universe that the lessons that were there for me would be learned and I would become better for the experience. There were days when I didn't know how I would come through. Moments where I believed that I was so damaged that I didn't think I would recover. Times when I thought my walls were so high, I didn't know if they could every come tumbling down. But I have learned that although the walls were constructed, I forgot the mortar. And I am glad to know that the damage was not permanent. And although I am left with some battle scars, they are mostly healed and almost mended.
The thing is...I have these friends. These women who have raised me up at times when I really didn't believe in myself anymore...in the fact that I would make it through. They continually reminded me of my value, generosity, freedom of my spirit. They reminded me that although I had been told certain things for a very long time...that I started to believe were my truth....it really wasn't at all who I was or what I was about. It is funny how when you are told certain things for a long enough period of time, you begin to believe in them. And although we are all faulty in some way...and everyone is less than perfect...the things that others say do not always truly define who we are....they are simply subjective opinions. I did begin to believe certain things because, again, when you hear them enough, you do start to take them on. But what I have seen through my healing, my girlfriends constantly shining this light on me, is that I have always been whole. I just forgot how to shine.
I have learned certain truths about myself. I need, mostly more than anything, to be heard. For a really long time my voice seemed to carry no weight whatsoever. No matter what I said, or how I said it, I was not heard at all. I felt like I was in a vacuum and no matter what I said or how I said it, I appeared to be the only one who could hear me. Interestingly enough, my 'flaws' were continuously pointed out to me...although the flaws that were being highlighted were completely false and had nothing to do with who I was...and everything to do with the flaws of another. And I am the first to admit that I have chinks in my armor...but they do not define me.
I have amazing support and love all around me that has really been apparent through this part of my life's journey. My girlfriends, my sisters, they never let me forget that I am the sum of my parts....and that the parts create a whole that are perfect in the imperfections of me. I finally feel ready to allow certain things to come my way that I really didn't know how I would be able to see again....let alone embrace or desire.
The question in my life became, how does one summon up the strength to carry on when you feel like you have nothing left to give. But continually I found a way to trust in the universe and that the path it was taking me on was for reasons I was yet to know or to discover. But with time, I just decided to trust. I didn't understand fully why my life went so upside down or want to trust that it was all for reasons that was yet unknown to me. What I found first is that even when I felt I was the most tapped out, I always found a way to be there for these women in my life when they were having trouble too. When I didn't believe I had anything to give, someone would need me...my ear....my voice...my opinion....my shoulder, and no matter how I felt at the time, I always had something left for them. This lead me to realize that even when you feel like you don't have anymore...there is always a little more left inside when I really needed to be there for them. And part of the journey was discovering that....I could do this for myself as well. Part of this journey was seeing that even when I felt I had nothing for them, I always did. That lead me to realize that even when I didn't think I had anything left to give myself, I really did have it inside of me all along. And what a gift that was. As I started to learn these lessons that the universe was showing me, things slowly started falling in line. I found my job that I love after being in a job that continually made me feel inept and stupid although I know I am neither. My car was repaired after the accident without me having to pay a dime. I started to know my way around the new city I lived in and didn't resent having to be here...I started to like it here and feel lucky that I have a mother who loves me this much. I started to see my past as my past and release it so that I could embrace the new now that was my reality. I really resisted the change even though in a lot of ways, it was created by me and for very very good reason. And finally, I started to feel normal....well, my 'normal' anyway. I started to see the value in those amazing people around me...and how we all struggled but always had enough left over to give to the other. And I started to smile again. To trust that really, this journey was all about rediscovering things that laid dormant or were hampered for one reason or another.
Isn't it amazing how when we really open our eyes, we can truly start to see. And sometimes how blinded we really are because we hold so tightly to the past, we forget to embrace the now. As I sit and look around me today, I am constantly amazed at the people that are here in my life...here for me each and every day to be near me, love me, listen to me and help me along this road that I thought I didn't want to be on only to find out that the road is beautiful. And that it is really where I needed to be for a very long time. Life sometimes come out of nowhere. You don't always see change coming. And I used to have a hard time with that. Rolling with the punches is hard for me. Change was a huge challenge. Playing by the rules....trying to be in control of certain things....well, it just isn't all it's cracked up to be really. I could only learn this by having my life spin out of control in every way imaginable to really see the things that are truly important...and the things that are really not. Part of the lesson is sometimes you have to open your hands. Let go. Adore all of the things that are new and allow them fully in even if it seems that you don't always know where they may lead. Sometimes you just have to trust that something greater than yourself is watching out for you and knows why you are on this road...even when fully, you do not.
I am so open and full of joy. Things that I have not experienced in so long...I can't even remember when I have felt this wholly full. I have a wonderful life..and I just forgot that. I forgot that I almost LOST my life to an illness...and how that changed my point of view...how I wanted to remember that every minute counts. I forgot that I am enough as I stand...I am not broken, damaged or bad. I am fine. Just the way I am. As I stand today. Do I work on improving some things? Yes. Of course. Who doesn't? But I also have learned to like some of the things about me that I really didn't before. I am comfortable in my skin so much more so than I have been in a long time. I embrace the bigness of my personality at times. My loud laugh. My boldness. My courage. My voice that carries. Because they are the things that I am continually told by the people that matter that these are the parts of me that they love or admire the most. For quite a while, I felt like these things hindered me. My girlfriends continually told me that they not only did not, but that these things were wonderful and that if I changed a thing, they would be very upset with me. But the truth is that the passion with which I love....the unbridled way I embrace life....the strong bonds that I have created around me....well, these things are amazingly good.
And although I have felt the trial so strongly, from it I have emerged. Like a phoenix from the ashes...I had to be burned and stripped down to build back into the way I truly want to be. Full of life, love, joy and passion. I know I never lost these things really....they were always in there but I just forgot.
Now I am continually reminded of the good around me. To expect the unexpected and how sometimes things are thrown at you from a place you didn't know they were coming from...but that sometimes that is what is best. Sometimes it is those things hitting you that continue to make you feel alive...even when you still do not know where the journey is taking you in the end.
I am thankful, grateful and blessed to be. I love fully and with all that I am. I like that I am that way. I take chances and risks that a lot of other people won't take. I want to do things that are out of my norm...be adventurous....be candid.....feel freedom.....be in the thick of things....go places that I never thought I would...do things I didn't think I was really made to do. I believed that living in my little box was the right place to be. But as someone close to me has said, rules are there for those that need them. And really, I don't need them. What I need is to be all of me...every part...and put it out there for those to see.
Funny enough, Dr. Suess put it best really. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those that mind, don't matter."
And in the words of me and my best best girlfriends.....it is simply time to just be.
xoxo
I must say that it is interesting how life sometimes forces you to look at the journey and not the final destination. What is the destination really? These last 6 months, although brutal at times, have really forced me to look at the journey without knowing the destination at all. Still don't. I really didn't know where the path was leading....I just knew in me, even on my most difficult days, that there were reasons for it all and I just had to trust in the universe that the lessons that were there for me would be learned and I would become better for the experience. There were days when I didn't know how I would come through. Moments where I believed that I was so damaged that I didn't think I would recover. Times when I thought my walls were so high, I didn't know if they could every come tumbling down. But I have learned that although the walls were constructed, I forgot the mortar. And I am glad to know that the damage was not permanent. And although I am left with some battle scars, they are mostly healed and almost mended.
The thing is...I have these friends. These women who have raised me up at times when I really didn't believe in myself anymore...in the fact that I would make it through. They continually reminded me of my value, generosity, freedom of my spirit. They reminded me that although I had been told certain things for a very long time...that I started to believe were my truth....it really wasn't at all who I was or what I was about. It is funny how when you are told certain things for a long enough period of time, you begin to believe in them. And although we are all faulty in some way...and everyone is less than perfect...the things that others say do not always truly define who we are....they are simply subjective opinions. I did begin to believe certain things because, again, when you hear them enough, you do start to take them on. But what I have seen through my healing, my girlfriends constantly shining this light on me, is that I have always been whole. I just forgot how to shine.
I have learned certain truths about myself. I need, mostly more than anything, to be heard. For a really long time my voice seemed to carry no weight whatsoever. No matter what I said, or how I said it, I was not heard at all. I felt like I was in a vacuum and no matter what I said or how I said it, I appeared to be the only one who could hear me. Interestingly enough, my 'flaws' were continuously pointed out to me...although the flaws that were being highlighted were completely false and had nothing to do with who I was...and everything to do with the flaws of another. And I am the first to admit that I have chinks in my armor...but they do not define me.
I have amazing support and love all around me that has really been apparent through this part of my life's journey. My girlfriends, my sisters, they never let me forget that I am the sum of my parts....and that the parts create a whole that are perfect in the imperfections of me. I finally feel ready to allow certain things to come my way that I really didn't know how I would be able to see again....let alone embrace or desire.
The question in my life became, how does one summon up the strength to carry on when you feel like you have nothing left to give. But continually I found a way to trust in the universe and that the path it was taking me on was for reasons I was yet to know or to discover. But with time, I just decided to trust. I didn't understand fully why my life went so upside down or want to trust that it was all for reasons that was yet unknown to me. What I found first is that even when I felt I was the most tapped out, I always found a way to be there for these women in my life when they were having trouble too. When I didn't believe I had anything to give, someone would need me...my ear....my voice...my opinion....my shoulder, and no matter how I felt at the time, I always had something left for them. This lead me to realize that even when you feel like you don't have anymore...there is always a little more left inside when I really needed to be there for them. And part of the journey was discovering that....I could do this for myself as well. Part of this journey was seeing that even when I felt I had nothing for them, I always did. That lead me to realize that even when I didn't think I had anything left to give myself, I really did have it inside of me all along. And what a gift that was. As I started to learn these lessons that the universe was showing me, things slowly started falling in line. I found my job that I love after being in a job that continually made me feel inept and stupid although I know I am neither. My car was repaired after the accident without me having to pay a dime. I started to know my way around the new city I lived in and didn't resent having to be here...I started to like it here and feel lucky that I have a mother who loves me this much. I started to see my past as my past and release it so that I could embrace the new now that was my reality. I really resisted the change even though in a lot of ways, it was created by me and for very very good reason. And finally, I started to feel normal....well, my 'normal' anyway. I started to see the value in those amazing people around me...and how we all struggled but always had enough left over to give to the other. And I started to smile again. To trust that really, this journey was all about rediscovering things that laid dormant or were hampered for one reason or another.
Isn't it amazing how when we really open our eyes, we can truly start to see. And sometimes how blinded we really are because we hold so tightly to the past, we forget to embrace the now. As I sit and look around me today, I am constantly amazed at the people that are here in my life...here for me each and every day to be near me, love me, listen to me and help me along this road that I thought I didn't want to be on only to find out that the road is beautiful. And that it is really where I needed to be for a very long time. Life sometimes come out of nowhere. You don't always see change coming. And I used to have a hard time with that. Rolling with the punches is hard for me. Change was a huge challenge. Playing by the rules....trying to be in control of certain things....well, it just isn't all it's cracked up to be really. I could only learn this by having my life spin out of control in every way imaginable to really see the things that are truly important...and the things that are really not. Part of the lesson is sometimes you have to open your hands. Let go. Adore all of the things that are new and allow them fully in even if it seems that you don't always know where they may lead. Sometimes you just have to trust that something greater than yourself is watching out for you and knows why you are on this road...even when fully, you do not.
I am so open and full of joy. Things that I have not experienced in so long...I can't even remember when I have felt this wholly full. I have a wonderful life..and I just forgot that. I forgot that I almost LOST my life to an illness...and how that changed my point of view...how I wanted to remember that every minute counts. I forgot that I am enough as I stand...I am not broken, damaged or bad. I am fine. Just the way I am. As I stand today. Do I work on improving some things? Yes. Of course. Who doesn't? But I also have learned to like some of the things about me that I really didn't before. I am comfortable in my skin so much more so than I have been in a long time. I embrace the bigness of my personality at times. My loud laugh. My boldness. My courage. My voice that carries. Because they are the things that I am continually told by the people that matter that these are the parts of me that they love or admire the most. For quite a while, I felt like these things hindered me. My girlfriends continually told me that they not only did not, but that these things were wonderful and that if I changed a thing, they would be very upset with me. But the truth is that the passion with which I love....the unbridled way I embrace life....the strong bonds that I have created around me....well, these things are amazingly good.
And although I have felt the trial so strongly, from it I have emerged. Like a phoenix from the ashes...I had to be burned and stripped down to build back into the way I truly want to be. Full of life, love, joy and passion. I know I never lost these things really....they were always in there but I just forgot.
Now I am continually reminded of the good around me. To expect the unexpected and how sometimes things are thrown at you from a place you didn't know they were coming from...but that sometimes that is what is best. Sometimes it is those things hitting you that continue to make you feel alive...even when you still do not know where the journey is taking you in the end.
I am thankful, grateful and blessed to be. I love fully and with all that I am. I like that I am that way. I take chances and risks that a lot of other people won't take. I want to do things that are out of my norm...be adventurous....be candid.....feel freedom.....be in the thick of things....go places that I never thought I would...do things I didn't think I was really made to do. I believed that living in my little box was the right place to be. But as someone close to me has said, rules are there for those that need them. And really, I don't need them. What I need is to be all of me...every part...and put it out there for those to see.
Funny enough, Dr. Suess put it best really. "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those that mind, don't matter."
And in the words of me and my best best girlfriends.....it is simply time to just be.
xoxo
Monday, April 13, 2009
Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose....
Sometimes I have to realize that it is time to open my hands and set certain things free...even when it is scary. It doesn't mean that it is forever...or that it is permanent. Sometimes you just have to let go of the things you fear losing to see what you can discover about yourself. And sometimes you find that the things you are so scared to lose come back to you and you can find something better than you expected. And other times, in the setting free, you get something else that comes to you that you didn't realize was coming.
I know that sometimes in life, you can't always what the right answer is when you have a big decision to make. You have to take actions that will bring you clarity even though you are afraid. Sometimes you want to hold things tightly but that just ends up choking the life out of them. I am learning a lot in my time alone. There are things I need to do right now that I don't want to. Things that are pending that I want resolution to. But I just have to trust my own instinct...and do what I feel is right for myself. No matter how afraid I am.
I know that sometimes in life, you can't always what the right answer is when you have a big decision to make. You have to take actions that will bring you clarity even though you are afraid. Sometimes you want to hold things tightly but that just ends up choking the life out of them. I am learning a lot in my time alone. There are things I need to do right now that I don't want to. Things that are pending that I want resolution to. But I just have to trust my own instinct...and do what I feel is right for myself. No matter how afraid I am.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
What The Hell Is In The Air....
What is it that is going on right now? It just seems that everywhere you look, people are changing and reevaluating everything that is going on in their lives!!! Everyone including myself.....
I know that for me, I am in a sincere place of limbo. Being in limbo for me is actually very good in a lot of ways. I have an utter lack of control for most of what is happening around me right now and that is not something that I am used to at all. But what I am finding is that even though it is a challenge, it is totally and completely necessary for me to just be out of control completely. There are lessons in this for me that I am learning and gaining great strength from. Learning that sometimes, what is meant to be will happen. To trust the path and the journey that I am on and know that in the end, I will survive and turn out to be just fine. Even on the days when it doesn't feel like that, I know that is the end result at some point nonetheless.
There are things in my life that are truly amazing. I have the best best girlfriends that anyone could possibly imagine. Some are long time and some renewed. And for all of them I am grateful. They are my light and my strength and my rocks right now. Without Julia, Linda, Anna, Nick, Barb, Lisa and Megan...well, I just don't think I would continue to keep sane. The laughter that they all create in my life and the amazing care they take care of me when some days I am an emotional wreck...well, I am just sincerely the most luckiest girl on the planet. IJFS.
My son is awesome and I am so lucky to have a little man in my life that is there with me to walk this road. I know that he will always be there to say something totally rediculous that will crack me up to no end. I feel so pleased like I did something right in this world to bring him into it and be the best mother I could be to create him. What a lucky mom I am.
It seems that right now, so many people are questioning their own happiness. What is it that will make me complete or fully whole? The reality is that the happiness will come from within in the end...but at times we look around us and evaluate those things that are close by. Do we feel happy in our relationship? Do we have toxic people that we need to rid ourselves of? Are we happy with our body...our mind....our spirit? It just feels that everywhere I look people are asking all of these questions. I mean, ev-ry-one. I thought there was one exception to the rule...but turns out, I am the rule and not the exception anymore. lol.
For me, life turned completely upside down all at once. It was like a lot of my life was in a shit basket and although it was not horrible shit and the basket did seemed empty on most days, I was just feeling like that was good enough. And then for many many reasons, the basket turned over, all hell broke loose and I saw how full the shit basket really had been....and how much shit in there had built up that I really did need to clean out!!! I know that this is not a pretty analogy but it is the only way I can think to describe it properly. So now, my job is to sift through all of it. Because between all of the mess of who I am, are some great finds. And what I am discovering is that there are amazing things about myself that I totally forgot about! I am doing small things to make me feel better. One baby step at a time. Because, at this point, it is really all I can do. One foot in front of the other. One little thing here and there. I feel like I am totally under construction right now. Eventually my reconstruction will be complete. And when it is, I have promised myself that I will be so much more of what I would like to be. To myself and towards others as well.
I know that I have my faults and flaws. But for so long they have been continually pointed out to me to the point that I just beat myself over the head with them..and believed everything I was hearing whether it was true or not. And I became sarcastic. And bitter. And insenced. And my tongue was often sharp towards the people closest to me. But there is one male friend of mine who has known me since the dawn of time that tells me as often as he can how I am perfect in my imperfections.....to not apologize for who I am and to find the people in the world who know my flaws but don't care at all...because I am just who I am. For a while now, I have been living thinking that there is a lot wrong with me and that if I just work a little harder...if I just do this or that better.....if I can simply make this person happier...than I will be complete. But then lesson #1 hit.....the completeness can only come from me. I can't make someone else happy. They have to WANT their OWN happiness. If they don't, I can not provide that for them. I can not be the one to take all of the blame. But on the flip side...the lesson is that they can not provide it for me either. And I am also starting to learn that I don't have to wait on other people to make certain decisions in their lives for me to make them in mine....there are points where I can figure out on my own what decision I want to make just based on my own needs and desires even if it scares or hurts someone around me. My own needs are good enough to fulfill. I have for such a long time been trying so hard to fill everyone else's cup, that my own just seems empty. And I have been a bitch in a lot of ways because of this. But I know that the time to change a lot of that is quickly approaching me. I know that I have some hard decisions ahead.
But there are certain people who have come into my life to give me lessons, gifts, they have brought mirrors and made me look....I mean REALLY look....at why I have been unhappy and unsatisfied with my own self. It is not about the size of my ass or why I didn't do the dishes until the morning and that made someone in my life unhappy. It is about things that are way below the surface that I didn't want to pull out. They made me. I realized that I am a pleaser. I want those around me to feel good and happy ALL THE TIME. And I don't want people mad at me. People being mad at me puts me in a panic...so I just say what I need to say or do to please them and get out of the anger. So in this sometimes, I am not acting like my full self because finding their happiness means restraining my personality in some way. It means pushing back on some of who I am to satisfy someone whether it is for their joy or ego or whatever. I don't know why I do this. I know that doing this makes me feel less than but I have been doing it nonetheless. And yes...there are things about me that I would like to work on and change. But we are all works in progress......and we are not always to blame for everything. Period. I can't continue to feel like in certain relms, everything is my fault.
Loving someone is important. But loving yourself enough should reign supreme. And if you don't love yourself enough, nobody that is around you will ever BE enough. Ever. And intimacy is HARD. It leaves you vulnerable sometimes. People have a hard time being vulnerable. It clams people up. But I don't want to be scared to show my vulnerable side. I like wearing my heart on my sleeve even though sometimes people have a hard time with that. And people do. I don't want to keep certain things hidden any longer. And if you do NOT love yourself...or have self worth and feel worthy....nobody else is going to give you enough love to fill up the space where your own self love should be. Period. It is a hard pill to swallow. One that I am trying to start taking myself. So many times we want to blame others for our unhappiness or our actions. But the truth of the matter is, they are our own unhappiness and actions. And whether someone's actions cause us to feel one way or another...we allow that feeling to come. They can't really 'cause' it. We are the masters of our own emotions and actions.
Where I am really going with this, I don't know...I am more just rambling today. I am just watching certain friends put their lives back together from some kind of crazy chaos and see others seeking some things from within themselves that they didn't realize they were questioning. I am watching myself go through morphs and changes. Exercising old demons....and creating space for the new things that are yet to come to me in this life. I saw a quote the other day that just so hit home for me....
"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”
If we just open our hands and set things free and make the room.....what we need will present itself to us. We can not be afraid to let go of the things we fear to lose the most. But if we don't make the room...nothing new and good will be able to come in.
K
I know that for me, I am in a sincere place of limbo. Being in limbo for me is actually very good in a lot of ways. I have an utter lack of control for most of what is happening around me right now and that is not something that I am used to at all. But what I am finding is that even though it is a challenge, it is totally and completely necessary for me to just be out of control completely. There are lessons in this for me that I am learning and gaining great strength from. Learning that sometimes, what is meant to be will happen. To trust the path and the journey that I am on and know that in the end, I will survive and turn out to be just fine. Even on the days when it doesn't feel like that, I know that is the end result at some point nonetheless.
There are things in my life that are truly amazing. I have the best best girlfriends that anyone could possibly imagine. Some are long time and some renewed. And for all of them I am grateful. They are my light and my strength and my rocks right now. Without Julia, Linda, Anna, Nick, Barb, Lisa and Megan...well, I just don't think I would continue to keep sane. The laughter that they all create in my life and the amazing care they take care of me when some days I am an emotional wreck...well, I am just sincerely the most luckiest girl on the planet. IJFS.
My son is awesome and I am so lucky to have a little man in my life that is there with me to walk this road. I know that he will always be there to say something totally rediculous that will crack me up to no end. I feel so pleased like I did something right in this world to bring him into it and be the best mother I could be to create him. What a lucky mom I am.
It seems that right now, so many people are questioning their own happiness. What is it that will make me complete or fully whole? The reality is that the happiness will come from within in the end...but at times we look around us and evaluate those things that are close by. Do we feel happy in our relationship? Do we have toxic people that we need to rid ourselves of? Are we happy with our body...our mind....our spirit? It just feels that everywhere I look people are asking all of these questions. I mean, ev-ry-one. I thought there was one exception to the rule...but turns out, I am the rule and not the exception anymore. lol.
For me, life turned completely upside down all at once. It was like a lot of my life was in a shit basket and although it was not horrible shit and the basket did seemed empty on most days, I was just feeling like that was good enough. And then for many many reasons, the basket turned over, all hell broke loose and I saw how full the shit basket really had been....and how much shit in there had built up that I really did need to clean out!!! I know that this is not a pretty analogy but it is the only way I can think to describe it properly. So now, my job is to sift through all of it. Because between all of the mess of who I am, are some great finds. And what I am discovering is that there are amazing things about myself that I totally forgot about! I am doing small things to make me feel better. One baby step at a time. Because, at this point, it is really all I can do. One foot in front of the other. One little thing here and there. I feel like I am totally under construction right now. Eventually my reconstruction will be complete. And when it is, I have promised myself that I will be so much more of what I would like to be. To myself and towards others as well.
I know that I have my faults and flaws. But for so long they have been continually pointed out to me to the point that I just beat myself over the head with them..and believed everything I was hearing whether it was true or not. And I became sarcastic. And bitter. And insenced. And my tongue was often sharp towards the people closest to me. But there is one male friend of mine who has known me since the dawn of time that tells me as often as he can how I am perfect in my imperfections.....to not apologize for who I am and to find the people in the world who know my flaws but don't care at all...because I am just who I am. For a while now, I have been living thinking that there is a lot wrong with me and that if I just work a little harder...if I just do this or that better.....if I can simply make this person happier...than I will be complete. But then lesson #1 hit.....the completeness can only come from me. I can't make someone else happy. They have to WANT their OWN happiness. If they don't, I can not provide that for them. I can not be the one to take all of the blame. But on the flip side...the lesson is that they can not provide it for me either. And I am also starting to learn that I don't have to wait on other people to make certain decisions in their lives for me to make them in mine....there are points where I can figure out on my own what decision I want to make just based on my own needs and desires even if it scares or hurts someone around me. My own needs are good enough to fulfill. I have for such a long time been trying so hard to fill everyone else's cup, that my own just seems empty. And I have been a bitch in a lot of ways because of this. But I know that the time to change a lot of that is quickly approaching me. I know that I have some hard decisions ahead.
But there are certain people who have come into my life to give me lessons, gifts, they have brought mirrors and made me look....I mean REALLY look....at why I have been unhappy and unsatisfied with my own self. It is not about the size of my ass or why I didn't do the dishes until the morning and that made someone in my life unhappy. It is about things that are way below the surface that I didn't want to pull out. They made me. I realized that I am a pleaser. I want those around me to feel good and happy ALL THE TIME. And I don't want people mad at me. People being mad at me puts me in a panic...so I just say what I need to say or do to please them and get out of the anger. So in this sometimes, I am not acting like my full self because finding their happiness means restraining my personality in some way. It means pushing back on some of who I am to satisfy someone whether it is for their joy or ego or whatever. I don't know why I do this. I know that doing this makes me feel less than but I have been doing it nonetheless. And yes...there are things about me that I would like to work on and change. But we are all works in progress......and we are not always to blame for everything. Period. I can't continue to feel like in certain relms, everything is my fault.
Loving someone is important. But loving yourself enough should reign supreme. And if you don't love yourself enough, nobody that is around you will ever BE enough. Ever. And intimacy is HARD. It leaves you vulnerable sometimes. People have a hard time being vulnerable. It clams people up. But I don't want to be scared to show my vulnerable side. I like wearing my heart on my sleeve even though sometimes people have a hard time with that. And people do. I don't want to keep certain things hidden any longer. And if you do NOT love yourself...or have self worth and feel worthy....nobody else is going to give you enough love to fill up the space where your own self love should be. Period. It is a hard pill to swallow. One that I am trying to start taking myself. So many times we want to blame others for our unhappiness or our actions. But the truth of the matter is, they are our own unhappiness and actions. And whether someone's actions cause us to feel one way or another...we allow that feeling to come. They can't really 'cause' it. We are the masters of our own emotions and actions.
Where I am really going with this, I don't know...I am more just rambling today. I am just watching certain friends put their lives back together from some kind of crazy chaos and see others seeking some things from within themselves that they didn't realize they were questioning. I am watching myself go through morphs and changes. Exercising old demons....and creating space for the new things that are yet to come to me in this life. I saw a quote the other day that just so hit home for me....
"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”
If we just open our hands and set things free and make the room.....what we need will present itself to us. We can not be afraid to let go of the things we fear to lose the most. But if we don't make the room...nothing new and good will be able to come in.
K
Sunday, March 29, 2009
So yeah...really!?!? Seriously.
Last night I was driving to go to dinner with my friend Linda and out of nowhere comes another car RIGHT INTO MINE. Yep. Cause I need ONE more thing on my plate, right? Anyway, the girl was young and in the turn lane and I guess she decided she didn't want to turn and decided to come into my lane, hence coming into my car. Boooooo. Hissssssss. So she hits me and KEEPS DRIVING. I am like SHIT!! She is going to hit and run..and I was trying to memorize her license plate number but she turned into a parking lot. When I got to her she was staring at her damaged car with her eyes in a daze. She was young and it was my guess that she had never been in an accident before. I felt bad for her but didn't say anything. It was her fault but I would tell the insurance company. And it was apparent from her young age and the look on her face that she had never been in an accident before and that she was going to be in trouble. lol.
I was NOT going to let the accident ruin my night so I went to dinner with Linda and she drove me home leaving my Aquarius Blue baby in the parking lot all alone. I left a note on her to hopefully ensure that she (hopefully you are picking up that her and she are my CAR!!) would not be towed overnight and she wasn't. So I called my insurance after dinner and I called hers today when I was finally able to get the correct number for the claims department. The other party had reported the claim as well. The father of the girl called me last night and there was a language barrier so I could't tell if he was mad at me or her when I said "I will be calling your insurance company. Your daughter hit my car." to which he bellows "MY DAUGHTER HIT YOUR CAR? WHAT? MY DAUGHTER HIT YOUR CAR??" And I said...yes...she hit me. And he kept asking that question over and over. I don't know what his daughter told him but I don't think it was the same as what happened. lol. But that is what the insurance company is for. To pay for it and get me whole again so I am not worried. When I talked to AAA today, they told me that the adjuster would call me tomorrow, they would get me set up with the rental car and get the damage assessed, etc. So I am sensing that the truth was told to the insurance company because of how they are willing to get things moving on their end as if it is the fault of their driver. I did not rear end her. She came into my lane...and smashed into me...from the left turn lane. She made the lane change and did not see me. Shit happens.
So my car was towed home. Tomorrow I will get to tell them what happened...and regail my tale for the 10hundredth time. lol. But just fix my car...get me a rental...and get me to where I need to go next week. I have some fun plans that I do not intend to miss for anything!!!!
Happy Sunday.
*muah*
I was NOT going to let the accident ruin my night so I went to dinner with Linda and she drove me home leaving my Aquarius Blue baby in the parking lot all alone. I left a note on her to hopefully ensure that she (hopefully you are picking up that her and she are my CAR!!) would not be towed overnight and she wasn't. So I called my insurance after dinner and I called hers today when I was finally able to get the correct number for the claims department. The other party had reported the claim as well. The father of the girl called me last night and there was a language barrier so I could't tell if he was mad at me or her when I said "I will be calling your insurance company. Your daughter hit my car." to which he bellows "MY DAUGHTER HIT YOUR CAR? WHAT? MY DAUGHTER HIT YOUR CAR??" And I said...yes...she hit me. And he kept asking that question over and over. I don't know what his daughter told him but I don't think it was the same as what happened. lol. But that is what the insurance company is for. To pay for it and get me whole again so I am not worried. When I talked to AAA today, they told me that the adjuster would call me tomorrow, they would get me set up with the rental car and get the damage assessed, etc. So I am sensing that the truth was told to the insurance company because of how they are willing to get things moving on their end as if it is the fault of their driver. I did not rear end her. She came into my lane...and smashed into me...from the left turn lane. She made the lane change and did not see me. Shit happens.
So my car was towed home. Tomorrow I will get to tell them what happened...and regail my tale for the 10hundredth time. lol. But just fix my car...get me a rental...and get me to where I need to go next week. I have some fun plans that I do not intend to miss for anything!!!!
Happy Sunday.
*muah*
Friday, March 27, 2009
Life
I have never really been a blogger before but I think that it is the best way to keep people up to speed with me and what is going on with my life for those who want to know. lol.
A lot of changes have been happening for me that are both scary and exciting. In the last 2 months or so, I have broken up with my bf of 4 years, moved to a city that I have NO clue how to get around (thank god for my TomTom because I wouldn't even have been able to find a Target!!!), been laid off of my job and generally just had my life dumped on it's side. lol. The funny thing is that although some a lot of days can be challenging, I feel like somehow life is giving me new options and opening me up to new things, experiences, desires and changes. Change is hard. And I don't really like change. Wait....let me rephrase that...I really really really really don't like change. But when change is forced upon you in so many ways, it really does make you look at your life all over again and ask the questions "What do I REALLY want in my life? What do I not want to be surrounded with anymore? How am I going to come out the other end of this better than I came into it?"
Sometimes life forces changes upon us that we resist. I have experienced a lof of that recently. I have been digging my heels into the ground so hard to resist the change that I didn't even stop to think....hey...maybe this change is GOOD for me. I kept saying that these changes are not what I want. I kept saying that I just want things to go back to the way that they were and that if it just happened, that I would be okay again. But then I thought about it and it is totally not true!!! Why would I want things to go back to the way that they were? I loved my bf but we weren't happy. He knows it. I know it. He needs to find things out about himself and that is his journey. And so do I. And who knows what will end up happening there but something had to change. Something had to give, right? Things are touchy with that situation but I really really know that change had to occur. I was the one that made that change. And whatever comes from that will only be positive things now because it is all I will accept. My life will move forward and I will be okay NO MATTER WHAT. I am finally there and I get that.
I really felt like a loser for a little while. I guess that would be natural, though, wouldn't it? I mean, if every aspect of your life is changing all at once, doubts will creep in and that is just normal. For a while I felt so misplaced and fearful of the unknown. But in time, I started to realize that I need to EMBRACE the unknown and not be so scared of things to come.
I know now that there are many awesome things in my future if I just relax a little, have fun and let things be out of control for a while. For a person that wants to be totally in control of themselves, this is a lesson that I could not teach myself unless everything started spinning the way it did.
So for now, my job is to sit tight and just let things be what they will. Go out with my friends. Find new ways to have fun. Get my ass walking these gorgeous hills. Eat less crap. Make more love. Work on getting rid of the bags under my eyes. Play with my son at the park. Smile every day. Laugh. Dance. Go out. Stop sitting in my room so much and be with lots of people...new and different people. Observe. Smirk. Just be. Do all of the things that fill me with joy and the rest will fall where it may.
For the last 45 days or so I have felt shattered into a million pieces. But as a great friend told me, it is time to start picking them all back up.
*muah*
A lot of changes have been happening for me that are both scary and exciting. In the last 2 months or so, I have broken up with my bf of 4 years, moved to a city that I have NO clue how to get around (thank god for my TomTom because I wouldn't even have been able to find a Target!!!), been laid off of my job and generally just had my life dumped on it's side. lol. The funny thing is that although some a lot of days can be challenging, I feel like somehow life is giving me new options and opening me up to new things, experiences, desires and changes. Change is hard. And I don't really like change. Wait....let me rephrase that...I really really really really don't like change. But when change is forced upon you in so many ways, it really does make you look at your life all over again and ask the questions "What do I REALLY want in my life? What do I not want to be surrounded with anymore? How am I going to come out the other end of this better than I came into it?"
Sometimes life forces changes upon us that we resist. I have experienced a lof of that recently. I have been digging my heels into the ground so hard to resist the change that I didn't even stop to think....hey...maybe this change is GOOD for me. I kept saying that these changes are not what I want. I kept saying that I just want things to go back to the way that they were and that if it just happened, that I would be okay again. But then I thought about it and it is totally not true!!! Why would I want things to go back to the way that they were? I loved my bf but we weren't happy. He knows it. I know it. He needs to find things out about himself and that is his journey. And so do I. And who knows what will end up happening there but something had to change. Something had to give, right? Things are touchy with that situation but I really really know that change had to occur. I was the one that made that change. And whatever comes from that will only be positive things now because it is all I will accept. My life will move forward and I will be okay NO MATTER WHAT. I am finally there and I get that.
I really felt like a loser for a little while. I guess that would be natural, though, wouldn't it? I mean, if every aspect of your life is changing all at once, doubts will creep in and that is just normal. For a while I felt so misplaced and fearful of the unknown. But in time, I started to realize that I need to EMBRACE the unknown and not be so scared of things to come.
I know now that there are many awesome things in my future if I just relax a little, have fun and let things be out of control for a while. For a person that wants to be totally in control of themselves, this is a lesson that I could not teach myself unless everything started spinning the way it did.
So for now, my job is to sit tight and just let things be what they will. Go out with my friends. Find new ways to have fun. Get my ass walking these gorgeous hills. Eat less crap. Make more love. Work on getting rid of the bags under my eyes. Play with my son at the park. Smile every day. Laugh. Dance. Go out. Stop sitting in my room so much and be with lots of people...new and different people. Observe. Smirk. Just be. Do all of the things that fill me with joy and the rest will fall where it may.
For the last 45 days or so I have felt shattered into a million pieces. But as a great friend told me, it is time to start picking them all back up.
*muah*
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