Sometimes I have to realize that it is time to open my hands and set certain things free...even when it is scary. It doesn't mean that it is forever...or that it is permanent. Sometimes you just have to let go of the things you fear losing to see what you can discover about yourself. And sometimes you find that the things you are so scared to lose come back to you and you can find something better than you expected. And other times, in the setting free, you get something else that comes to you that you didn't realize was coming.
I know that sometimes in life, you can't always what the right answer is when you have a big decision to make. You have to take actions that will bring you clarity even though you are afraid. Sometimes you want to hold things tightly but that just ends up choking the life out of them. I am learning a lot in my time alone. There are things I need to do right now that I don't want to. Things that are pending that I want resolution to. But I just have to trust my own instinct...and do what I feel is right for myself. No matter how afraid I am.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
What The Hell Is In The Air....
What is it that is going on right now? It just seems that everywhere you look, people are changing and reevaluating everything that is going on in their lives!!! Everyone including myself.....
I know that for me, I am in a sincere place of limbo. Being in limbo for me is actually very good in a lot of ways. I have an utter lack of control for most of what is happening around me right now and that is not something that I am used to at all. But what I am finding is that even though it is a challenge, it is totally and completely necessary for me to just be out of control completely. There are lessons in this for me that I am learning and gaining great strength from. Learning that sometimes, what is meant to be will happen. To trust the path and the journey that I am on and know that in the end, I will survive and turn out to be just fine. Even on the days when it doesn't feel like that, I know that is the end result at some point nonetheless.
There are things in my life that are truly amazing. I have the best best girlfriends that anyone could possibly imagine. Some are long time and some renewed. And for all of them I am grateful. They are my light and my strength and my rocks right now. Without Julia, Linda, Anna, Nick, Barb, Lisa and Megan...well, I just don't think I would continue to keep sane. The laughter that they all create in my life and the amazing care they take care of me when some days I am an emotional wreck...well, I am just sincerely the most luckiest girl on the planet. IJFS.
My son is awesome and I am so lucky to have a little man in my life that is there with me to walk this road. I know that he will always be there to say something totally rediculous that will crack me up to no end. I feel so pleased like I did something right in this world to bring him into it and be the best mother I could be to create him. What a lucky mom I am.
It seems that right now, so many people are questioning their own happiness. What is it that will make me complete or fully whole? The reality is that the happiness will come from within in the end...but at times we look around us and evaluate those things that are close by. Do we feel happy in our relationship? Do we have toxic people that we need to rid ourselves of? Are we happy with our body...our mind....our spirit? It just feels that everywhere I look people are asking all of these questions. I mean, ev-ry-one. I thought there was one exception to the rule...but turns out, I am the rule and not the exception anymore. lol.
For me, life turned completely upside down all at once. It was like a lot of my life was in a shit basket and although it was not horrible shit and the basket did seemed empty on most days, I was just feeling like that was good enough. And then for many many reasons, the basket turned over, all hell broke loose and I saw how full the shit basket really had been....and how much shit in there had built up that I really did need to clean out!!! I know that this is not a pretty analogy but it is the only way I can think to describe it properly. So now, my job is to sift through all of it. Because between all of the mess of who I am, are some great finds. And what I am discovering is that there are amazing things about myself that I totally forgot about! I am doing small things to make me feel better. One baby step at a time. Because, at this point, it is really all I can do. One foot in front of the other. One little thing here and there. I feel like I am totally under construction right now. Eventually my reconstruction will be complete. And when it is, I have promised myself that I will be so much more of what I would like to be. To myself and towards others as well.
I know that I have my faults and flaws. But for so long they have been continually pointed out to me to the point that I just beat myself over the head with them..and believed everything I was hearing whether it was true or not. And I became sarcastic. And bitter. And insenced. And my tongue was often sharp towards the people closest to me. But there is one male friend of mine who has known me since the dawn of time that tells me as often as he can how I am perfect in my imperfections.....to not apologize for who I am and to find the people in the world who know my flaws but don't care at all...because I am just who I am. For a while now, I have been living thinking that there is a lot wrong with me and that if I just work a little harder...if I just do this or that better.....if I can simply make this person happier...than I will be complete. But then lesson #1 hit.....the completeness can only come from me. I can't make someone else happy. They have to WANT their OWN happiness. If they don't, I can not provide that for them. I can not be the one to take all of the blame. But on the flip side...the lesson is that they can not provide it for me either. And I am also starting to learn that I don't have to wait on other people to make certain decisions in their lives for me to make them in mine....there are points where I can figure out on my own what decision I want to make just based on my own needs and desires even if it scares or hurts someone around me. My own needs are good enough to fulfill. I have for such a long time been trying so hard to fill everyone else's cup, that my own just seems empty. And I have been a bitch in a lot of ways because of this. But I know that the time to change a lot of that is quickly approaching me. I know that I have some hard decisions ahead.
But there are certain people who have come into my life to give me lessons, gifts, they have brought mirrors and made me look....I mean REALLY look....at why I have been unhappy and unsatisfied with my own self. It is not about the size of my ass or why I didn't do the dishes until the morning and that made someone in my life unhappy. It is about things that are way below the surface that I didn't want to pull out. They made me. I realized that I am a pleaser. I want those around me to feel good and happy ALL THE TIME. And I don't want people mad at me. People being mad at me puts me in a panic...so I just say what I need to say or do to please them and get out of the anger. So in this sometimes, I am not acting like my full self because finding their happiness means restraining my personality in some way. It means pushing back on some of who I am to satisfy someone whether it is for their joy or ego or whatever. I don't know why I do this. I know that doing this makes me feel less than but I have been doing it nonetheless. And yes...there are things about me that I would like to work on and change. But we are all works in progress......and we are not always to blame for everything. Period. I can't continue to feel like in certain relms, everything is my fault.
Loving someone is important. But loving yourself enough should reign supreme. And if you don't love yourself enough, nobody that is around you will ever BE enough. Ever. And intimacy is HARD. It leaves you vulnerable sometimes. People have a hard time being vulnerable. It clams people up. But I don't want to be scared to show my vulnerable side. I like wearing my heart on my sleeve even though sometimes people have a hard time with that. And people do. I don't want to keep certain things hidden any longer. And if you do NOT love yourself...or have self worth and feel worthy....nobody else is going to give you enough love to fill up the space where your own self love should be. Period. It is a hard pill to swallow. One that I am trying to start taking myself. So many times we want to blame others for our unhappiness or our actions. But the truth of the matter is, they are our own unhappiness and actions. And whether someone's actions cause us to feel one way or another...we allow that feeling to come. They can't really 'cause' it. We are the masters of our own emotions and actions.
Where I am really going with this, I don't know...I am more just rambling today. I am just watching certain friends put their lives back together from some kind of crazy chaos and see others seeking some things from within themselves that they didn't realize they were questioning. I am watching myself go through morphs and changes. Exercising old demons....and creating space for the new things that are yet to come to me in this life. I saw a quote the other day that just so hit home for me....
"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”
If we just open our hands and set things free and make the room.....what we need will present itself to us. We can not be afraid to let go of the things we fear to lose the most. But if we don't make the room...nothing new and good will be able to come in.
K
I know that for me, I am in a sincere place of limbo. Being in limbo for me is actually very good in a lot of ways. I have an utter lack of control for most of what is happening around me right now and that is not something that I am used to at all. But what I am finding is that even though it is a challenge, it is totally and completely necessary for me to just be out of control completely. There are lessons in this for me that I am learning and gaining great strength from. Learning that sometimes, what is meant to be will happen. To trust the path and the journey that I am on and know that in the end, I will survive and turn out to be just fine. Even on the days when it doesn't feel like that, I know that is the end result at some point nonetheless.
There are things in my life that are truly amazing. I have the best best girlfriends that anyone could possibly imagine. Some are long time and some renewed. And for all of them I am grateful. They are my light and my strength and my rocks right now. Without Julia, Linda, Anna, Nick, Barb, Lisa and Megan...well, I just don't think I would continue to keep sane. The laughter that they all create in my life and the amazing care they take care of me when some days I am an emotional wreck...well, I am just sincerely the most luckiest girl on the planet. IJFS.
My son is awesome and I am so lucky to have a little man in my life that is there with me to walk this road. I know that he will always be there to say something totally rediculous that will crack me up to no end. I feel so pleased like I did something right in this world to bring him into it and be the best mother I could be to create him. What a lucky mom I am.
It seems that right now, so many people are questioning their own happiness. What is it that will make me complete or fully whole? The reality is that the happiness will come from within in the end...but at times we look around us and evaluate those things that are close by. Do we feel happy in our relationship? Do we have toxic people that we need to rid ourselves of? Are we happy with our body...our mind....our spirit? It just feels that everywhere I look people are asking all of these questions. I mean, ev-ry-one. I thought there was one exception to the rule...but turns out, I am the rule and not the exception anymore. lol.
For me, life turned completely upside down all at once. It was like a lot of my life was in a shit basket and although it was not horrible shit and the basket did seemed empty on most days, I was just feeling like that was good enough. And then for many many reasons, the basket turned over, all hell broke loose and I saw how full the shit basket really had been....and how much shit in there had built up that I really did need to clean out!!! I know that this is not a pretty analogy but it is the only way I can think to describe it properly. So now, my job is to sift through all of it. Because between all of the mess of who I am, are some great finds. And what I am discovering is that there are amazing things about myself that I totally forgot about! I am doing small things to make me feel better. One baby step at a time. Because, at this point, it is really all I can do. One foot in front of the other. One little thing here and there. I feel like I am totally under construction right now. Eventually my reconstruction will be complete. And when it is, I have promised myself that I will be so much more of what I would like to be. To myself and towards others as well.
I know that I have my faults and flaws. But for so long they have been continually pointed out to me to the point that I just beat myself over the head with them..and believed everything I was hearing whether it was true or not. And I became sarcastic. And bitter. And insenced. And my tongue was often sharp towards the people closest to me. But there is one male friend of mine who has known me since the dawn of time that tells me as often as he can how I am perfect in my imperfections.....to not apologize for who I am and to find the people in the world who know my flaws but don't care at all...because I am just who I am. For a while now, I have been living thinking that there is a lot wrong with me and that if I just work a little harder...if I just do this or that better.....if I can simply make this person happier...than I will be complete. But then lesson #1 hit.....the completeness can only come from me. I can't make someone else happy. They have to WANT their OWN happiness. If they don't, I can not provide that for them. I can not be the one to take all of the blame. But on the flip side...the lesson is that they can not provide it for me either. And I am also starting to learn that I don't have to wait on other people to make certain decisions in their lives for me to make them in mine....there are points where I can figure out on my own what decision I want to make just based on my own needs and desires even if it scares or hurts someone around me. My own needs are good enough to fulfill. I have for such a long time been trying so hard to fill everyone else's cup, that my own just seems empty. And I have been a bitch in a lot of ways because of this. But I know that the time to change a lot of that is quickly approaching me. I know that I have some hard decisions ahead.
But there are certain people who have come into my life to give me lessons, gifts, they have brought mirrors and made me look....I mean REALLY look....at why I have been unhappy and unsatisfied with my own self. It is not about the size of my ass or why I didn't do the dishes until the morning and that made someone in my life unhappy. It is about things that are way below the surface that I didn't want to pull out. They made me. I realized that I am a pleaser. I want those around me to feel good and happy ALL THE TIME. And I don't want people mad at me. People being mad at me puts me in a panic...so I just say what I need to say or do to please them and get out of the anger. So in this sometimes, I am not acting like my full self because finding their happiness means restraining my personality in some way. It means pushing back on some of who I am to satisfy someone whether it is for their joy or ego or whatever. I don't know why I do this. I know that doing this makes me feel less than but I have been doing it nonetheless. And yes...there are things about me that I would like to work on and change. But we are all works in progress......and we are not always to blame for everything. Period. I can't continue to feel like in certain relms, everything is my fault.
Loving someone is important. But loving yourself enough should reign supreme. And if you don't love yourself enough, nobody that is around you will ever BE enough. Ever. And intimacy is HARD. It leaves you vulnerable sometimes. People have a hard time being vulnerable. It clams people up. But I don't want to be scared to show my vulnerable side. I like wearing my heart on my sleeve even though sometimes people have a hard time with that. And people do. I don't want to keep certain things hidden any longer. And if you do NOT love yourself...or have self worth and feel worthy....nobody else is going to give you enough love to fill up the space where your own self love should be. Period. It is a hard pill to swallow. One that I am trying to start taking myself. So many times we want to blame others for our unhappiness or our actions. But the truth of the matter is, they are our own unhappiness and actions. And whether someone's actions cause us to feel one way or another...we allow that feeling to come. They can't really 'cause' it. We are the masters of our own emotions and actions.
Where I am really going with this, I don't know...I am more just rambling today. I am just watching certain friends put their lives back together from some kind of crazy chaos and see others seeking some things from within themselves that they didn't realize they were questioning. I am watching myself go through morphs and changes. Exercising old demons....and creating space for the new things that are yet to come to me in this life. I saw a quote the other day that just so hit home for me....
"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”
If we just open our hands and set things free and make the room.....what we need will present itself to us. We can not be afraid to let go of the things we fear to lose the most. But if we don't make the room...nothing new and good will be able to come in.
K
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