Wow...almost a year...

It has been almost a year since the last time I wrote anything....July 1, 2009. Man, how life can change in such a short time.

Back then I wrote "The question in my life became, how does one summon up the strength to carry on when you feel like you have nothing left to give. But continually I found a way to trust in the universe and that the path it was taking me on was for reasons I was yet to know or to discover. But with time, I just decided to trust. I didn't understand fully why my life went so upside down or want to trust that it was all for reasons that was yet unknown to me."

And there it is. Where I am today is BECAUSE I trusted for reasons yet unknown to me. I decided to let life lead me in whatever direction that it would. Away from something very damaging and into the arms of something I didn't think I could have. It really gave me what I needed. In the form of the best mirror I have ever known. Things have been hard...really really hard...at times. I still boil over for reasons that sometimes I don't even know or understand or get. I am so far from perfect and I am always learning. Today I had a huge revelation that I think is going to change things for me again.

As father's day once again approaches, I have been thinking about my father. I had a chance to chat with one of my besties on Saturday and I have to just say DANG do I re-hash out that relationship with him over and over again in my life or what? He passed away in 2000 and here were are in 2010 and it is still affecting me. Our family of origin plays so much more into our lives than we can fully realize.

I wanted so much to have a relationship with him. Any relationship with him. And then he died and I don't get to have a remedy to all that ailed us as father and daughter. He was was not fully there mentally due to his own parenting issues (really bad stuff..that I can't even imagine) and then, one day, he was gone. I guess I always believed in some way that one day I would get to resolve the issues we had. When he passed away, we were actually making progress. And then, with one phone call, the progress stopped forever. And I didn't really do all that much to deal with it. I actually have never said that aloud. I didn't even go to his grave until last year...during a time that I really needed some relief. I woke up one morning in 09 and decided that was the day that I would go. So I went. 9 years had passed and there I was in my car on my way to Riverside. And I had a girlfriend on my cell with me on Yahoo who was there with me although I went alone. I tried to leave the anger there at his headstone and I really thought I did it. Perhaps I didn't do as much as I thought. Today, I had a huge revelation that I really think is going to take me farther. With the man in my past. And the man in my present. And the relationships in many areas in my life. I don't know what to make of it or what it will become really. But I knew there was more to some things I was feeling...and I decided to dig. And keep digging down to the roots..and I got all the way down with the help of both besties....and here I stand at the bottom of the tree...at the root....and now it is up to me to figure out what to do with that.

As for the man in my past...I can't fix what ails him. I somehow still want to. I also didn't get the why. Until today. Weird how things are so tied to other things and we don't even know it. Am I so arrogant that I think that with a conversation or something that I say, that I can cure all of the things from his past? Things that have absolutely nothing to do with me? Sure there are some things that have to do with me...but mostly, nope...not me. I realized that I am reliving that relationship over and over again....with this man who I no longer have a life with. I joked that he lives in my storage unit. Pieces of my previous life are still in there. So one of my besties is going to go there with me so that I can start to sort through all of that and be rid of some of the things in there...some things I will sell...some things I will keep. I have been so upset about my 'things' that I didn't even realize what they were representing to me. I still don't quite know what this stuff represents to me because really, for a year and 4 months, I have had very little of my 'things' and did just fine without them. Now I have a place for my things, and want to bring them in, and I realized...do I really want to do that? What is wrong with how things are right now? All of these questions and not many answers as of yet seeing that this all came to head today.

But thanks to my 2 very amazing girlfriends who listen to me as I sift through all of this stuff...and the man in my life...who continually puts up with my BS as I tread through these waters to a better life....I am getting closer to my real peace every day. And I am so thankful.