Life

I have never really been a blogger before but I think that it is the best way to keep people up to speed with me and what is going on with my life for those who want to know. lol.

A lot of changes have been happening for me that are both scary and exciting. In the last 2 months or so, I have broken up with my bf of 4 years, moved to a city that I have NO clue how to get around (thank god for my TomTom because I wouldn't even have been able to find a Target!!!), been laid off of my job and generally just had my life dumped on it's side. lol. The funny thing is that although some a lot of days can be challenging, I feel like somehow life is giving me new options and opening me up to new things, experiences, desires and changes. Change is hard. And I don't really like change. Wait....let me rephrase that...I really really really really don't like change. But when change is forced upon you in so many ways, it really does make you look at your life all over again and ask the questions "What do I REALLY want in my life? What do I not want to be surrounded with anymore? How am I going to come out the other end of this better than I came into it?"

Sometimes life forces changes upon us that we resist. I have experienced a lof of that recently. I have been digging my heels into the ground so hard to resist the change that I didn't even stop to think....hey...maybe this change is GOOD for me. I kept saying that these changes are not what I want. I kept saying that I just want things to go back to the way that they were and that if it just happened, that I would be okay again. But then I thought about it and it is totally not true!!! Why would I want things to go back to the way that they were? I loved my bf but we weren't happy. He knows it. I know it. He needs to find things out about himself and that is his journey. And so do I. And who knows what will end up happening there but something had to change. Something had to give, right? Things are touchy with that situation but I really really know that change had to occur. I was the one that made that change. And whatever comes from that will only be positive things now because it is all I will accept. My life will move forward and I will be okay NO MATTER WHAT. I am finally there and I get that.

I really felt like a loser for a little while. I guess that would be natural, though, wouldn't it? I mean, if every aspect of your life is changing all at once, doubts will creep in and that is just normal. For a while I felt so misplaced and fearful of the unknown. But in time, I started to realize that I need to EMBRACE the unknown and not be so scared of things to come.

I know now that there are many awesome things in my future if I just relax a little, have fun and let things be out of control for a while. For a person that wants to be totally in control of themselves, this is a lesson that I could not teach myself unless everything started spinning the way it did.

So for now, my job is to sit tight and just let things be what they will. Go out with my friends. Find new ways to have fun. Get my ass walking these gorgeous hills. Eat less crap. Make more love. Work on getting rid of the bags under my eyes. Play with my son at the park. Smile every day. Laugh. Dance. Go out. Stop sitting in my room so much and be with lots of people...new and different people. Observe. Smirk. Just be. Do all of the things that fill me with joy and the rest will fall where it may.

For the last 45 days or so I have felt shattered into a million pieces. But as a great friend told me, it is time to start picking them all back up.

*muah*